Project submissions, seminars, tests... all within the span of a few days. Some of them not even separated by as much as a day. Stuff that nightmares are made of. Absolutely the wrong time to suffer a stress-shutdown or something like that, but it seems so close. The men in white coats seem to be just around the corner. Maybe the sight of them is even going to be welcome, but that too is just another illusion created by a harrowed and fatigued mind. It isn't going to happen, after all. Its just me against myself. My minds slugging it out for control. Nothing more, nothing less. It seems that just when the situation requires the maximum efficiency of body and mind, I'm clean out of fuel, or on the verge of running out. I have a seminar slated for tomorrow. The first for tomorrow, in fact. And I'm clueless as to how I'm going to be able to organise my thoughts by then. Its not really a question of butterflies in the stomach because of the audience too, as I'm quite used to speaking before a large audience. The numbers don't overwhelm me, but my own lack of preparation certainly can. The fire in my belly is all but out.
I got to know that a friend of mine, a senior software engineer in an MNC is putting on a dance performance to raise funds for the cause of blind children. I hear about and see these people around me and feel a tingle in a region that I thought was dead to the world. How do they have the energy, the enthusiasm, the verve and the conviction to do these things? Where is my enthusiasm, my energy? Is it dead? I wanted to be a champion bicyclist, a journalist, a master programmer.... I have made compromise after compromise, giving up things that mattered to me. I have had to make tough decisions, but I have stood by them so far. Why then am I feeling so alone, so weak, so disconsolate now?
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2 comments:
Have you heard of the stages of life, the first five years is enjoy, then study hard for the next 15 years, then slog working for the next 20 - 30 years, and then when you think of living a life peaceful for retirement, you are faced with a whole set of generation problems!!!
You are in the second phase where you are slogging out studying to get the third phase a better one. Thats what I wish you the best for.
I had to comment because it sounds so familiar. I can only recommend coffee, excercise and stubborness. I'm banking on it to get through the next few days myself.
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